Memorial Weekend

Our Memorial Weekend started a week early with Mark and I planting this tree in the front yard in honor of our son, Porter. I like this tree because it has a mountain feel about it, which is where Porter liked to be, and also where he was when he died. The plaque was a gift from the Bilbao family, dear friends of ours for many years.  I'm loving it displayed in the yard by the tree.

Sunday after church our family went up to the cemetery to put flowers on Porter's grave.

The boys may not like me posting about their little tiff but it just goes to show that even though they are mature young adults, they still feel the urge to poke and irritate.  I'll let you figure out who is bugging who, by touching the other one, when they didn't want to be touched. 

We had to get grandpa in between them to settle things down a bit.  Porter was probably thinking this is so typical of his older brothers.

Don't you love that sweet, red truck in the background?  My daddy restored that pretty thing and putters around town in it. 

My mother created the guitar wreath. She put little music note stickers and guitar stickers all over it.

We then headed home, changed our Sunday clothes, and headed up the canyon to hang out with the Weisenberger bunch. This sweet mom, Karla, invited us up to her family cabin and made us the most yummy hamburgers called wampus burgers. You may wonder what that is? Well, I will just tell you I've never had anything like it, and it was probably the most delightful hamburger I have ever eaten. Basically, it's two hamburger patties sealed together after you stuff all sorts of yummy things in between them, such as: grilled onion, mushrooms, cheese, bacon, anything your little heart desires. And then you throw them on the grill and hope everything stays inside. Karla also made homemade buns to put these burgers on.  We ate and visited and laughed.  This is Karla's beautiful daughter, Sarah, who was good friends with our son, Porter.

We sat by a campfire and visited some more.  It gave me a little heads up for what I will be experiencing next week as I venture off to girls camp.

  We played games inside the cabin and then came out a little later and made smores.  Have you ever tried a smore made with a peanut butter cup?   Pretty tasty.

Thank you so much Weisenbergers!  We had a blast!  Jordan even commented that it was nice to just get away and do something fun with the family all together.

Baby Miles and Great Grandma Fisher

Oops Kali dear, look what happens when you leave sweet little pictures on my computer.  I find them and post them.  This one was just too tender to not share.  Plus, I'm just so excited to have this little cutie back in Utah soon.

Porter's Profile Picture and Song

This photo makes me laugh. This is just one of Porter's many quirky and funny ways he made us smile around here.  He was such a goof!  To my recollection, he was trying to get a photo of himself for his myspace profile picture, and this was what he came up with. He later decided myspace was a waste of time and deleted his account. He had just gotten into facebook the last 6 months or so, which I'm so grateful he did! It's such a treasure to go to his wall and read the tender comments that people are still leaving for him.

Porter, I still hope you get to play music in heaven.  Daddy burned a cd of the song you wrote and recorded right before you passed away.  There are two versions of the same song on the cd. I have it in the car that you and I shared and it plays over and over whenever I am out and about. I will never tire of listening to these.  The first song is of you playing all the instrumental with your friend, Brett, singing.  The other is just you playing AND singing.  That one is my favorite because it's all YOU!  I love your voice and was so thrilled when Brett emailed us the recording of just you singing because you didn't sing much on your own.  It was like a gift from heaven!

Bad Weather 

written by Porter Fisher and Brett Mcneill

Where do I go from here 

I can't believe what I've done

 Taste of angry words seared onto my tongue

It's not your fault

Don't turn away my simple pain

I put crazy on me, but it's not my best color

And if you're waiting on me I hope you're dressed for bad weather

I wasted one chance that turned into ten

Now I face the consequence of living inside my head

I don't know where to turn

I feel lost without you

I'll always fear the burn playin' the fool

It's much too hard

I won't pretend it's not

The feeling's lost

I put crazy on me, but it's not my best color
And if you're waiting on me, I hope you're dressed for bad weather

I wasted one chance that turned into ten

Now I face the consequence of living inside my head

I love you Porter♥

Just Let Me Cry

Just Let Me Cry-Hilary Weeks

I believe that everything happens for a reason
We’re not just tossed by the wind
or left in the hands of fate
But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain

When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under
I dig my heels in deep
and I fight to keep my ground
Still, at times the hurt inside grows stronger
And there’s nothing I can do but let it out

Just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
So just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when
and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break
But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling
And I know in time He’ll take the pain away

But for now
Just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
So just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when
and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

I have felt joy
The kind that makes my heart want to sing
And so my tears are not a surrender
I’ll feel that way again
But for now
For this moment

Just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn’t going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when
and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

(Thank you Kimberly-you're an angel)

Sweet Interactions

These pictures were taken a couple years ago, yet in coming across them they made me smile. I'm all for anything that makes me smile lately.  I love to see the fun and sweetness in the interactions of these cute kids of mine.

I'm so grateful for children that really love each other and know how to show it ♥

Porter's Headstone

Our oldest son, Cooper, was driving by the cemetery a couple days ago and decided to just look and see if Porter's headstone was put in the ground yet. He was eager to quickly send a text to us at home showing us a picture of it. The funeral home was supposed to let us know when it was completed but hadn't informed us yet. I was so glad that Cooper discovered it on his own. We quickly hopped in the car and headed up there to go see. I phoned my mom and dad who quickly joined us there.  We sat on the lawn for about an hour and talked about Porter, cried tears of sorrow, and longed to be with him.  We talked about who he was possibly with, who he was getting re-acquainted with and how busy he probably was.  Our good friend Dave also came up to see Porter's headstone.  His sweet wife, Pam, who died three years ago, is buried not far from Porter.  Their son, Brian, was another of Porter's very good friends.  We talked about the pain we still feel over Porter's loss and how it seems to get harder as time goes by.  Dave even admitted that the 2nd year was worse without his sweetheart, yet he gave us some comfort in sharing with us that the pain changes and it will get easier to bear.  
We washed the mud off of his headstone caused by the recent rainfall and admired the good work the monument company did in preparing this memorial piece.  Truly Porter "Your spirit rides on mountain peaks and You are home." 

Rose Marie and Del Ray-My wonderful parents!

I love you Porter ♥

Your Spirit Rides on Mountain Peaks

Our most precious Porter 

Your spirit rides on mountain peaks

Their heights forever conquered

Your music carries over stone and brook

Like rushing waters

Gentle caressing breezes forever carry your memory

You are home

This was a gift from Porter's best friends mom, Laurie.  As she was drifting off to sleep one night she heard a voice whispering these words in her ears.  She quickly wrote the words down and then felt a desire to have this plaque made for our family.  We have been so moved by this beautiful poem that we used part of it on Porter's headstone, which by the way is completed, and I will post pictures soon.

True Friendships and Concerts

Porter was just a good boy! He didn't mind serving and even did so with a smile in his heart and a spring in his step.  Just ask his grandma!
This is another tender photo of my son that a dear friend, Karla gave to me. Her daughter Sarah is in the wagon being pulled by Porter. (Thanks for sharing with me) Any new photo I receive of Porter is like a priceless treasure to me. 

Sarah was a sweet friend to Porter and has shared some of her true, raw feelings in her blog titled rememberingporter.blogspot.com.  I love that Sarah's mom, Karla, allowed only Porter, the one boy she trusted, to take her daughter to concerts.

Tonight we attended a concert that Porter would have been playing in had he still been here with us. Me, Mark, Cooper, and Brittany drove up together. We saw Keely and her friends there. Porter was teaching Keely how to play the guitar before he passed away.  Keely and her sister Karli were the sweet girls with the angelic voices that sang two musical numbers for us at Porter's funeral. We also met up with Karla and Sarah and enjoyed just being there with them and listening to the music that Porter loved playing so much. The lead singer, Sam, wrote a song just for Porter and debuted it tonight.  It's such a tender song and I pictured Porter up on stage so many times during the show playing his bass standing next to Sam.  I can't wait to get an actual recording of the song. Sam said he hopes to do that this Summer. I recorded the whole song on a very old VHS compact camcorder, so I could watch and listen but I can't download it to the computer. I will share the words as far as I can understand them and hope I got it right for now.

This photo was taken after Porter's band had already performed.  I was so engrossed with filming everything that I forgot to take photos until afterward.  So sorry, no photo of Porter's band.

Sarah and me in the courtyard of the concert venue.

Porter's Song

I can't find the right words to say

About a heart so big

That it could not stay

In one place at a time

Take me to your favorite state of mind

and lose yourself

I wonder what we'll find

This plan is perfect

Though it seems unkind

And I know it's perfect

for someday we will find

Strength in knowing this

Strength in knowing this

What we've lost along the way

Will return to us someday

But we'll be missing you

In the meantime

When we're lost we're not alone

And just know that you've gone home

And we'll be missing you

In the meantime

This plan is perfect

Though it seems unkind

I know it's perfect

For someday we will find

Strength in knowing this

Strength in knowing this

The words to this song are so beautiful and I cried as I listened to Sam sing them.  I know Heavenly Father's plan is perfect and I daily try to find strength in knowing this.  I HAVE to have faith in knowing this. I love how Sam called Porter's heart too big to stay here.  He was needed somewhere else and it does seem unkind that he was taken, yet His plan is perfect. 


I love you Porter♥

Porter's Best Friend

I went out to my mailbox today and received a sweet surprise.  A very touching letter from a dear friend, Laurie and this cute photo of my son on the left and his best friend Nathan Buhler in the center. I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, this photo.  Porter has the brightest smile and such a twinkle in his eyes.  It just makes me feel such warmth and an overflowing amount of love for this bond these two had.  This next-door neighbor friendship began from the time these two were toddling around in diapers and was a friendship truly like no other I've ever seen. They camped together, went fishing, hiked, jumped on the trampoline, rode skateboards and bikes, played in the sprinklers, played basketball, climbed trees and anything else they could make an adventure out of.

This picture was taken in June of 2008 at Nathan's farewell get-together.  When Porter was about 16 years old Nathan moved to Salem yet they still stayed in touch and hung out together often.  Nathan will be coming home from his mission in just a couple weeks and I am looking forward to visiting with him and his mama, Laurie.  Nathan was so devastated when he found out the tragic news of Porter's passing.  Him and his mom plan to spend some time here listening to the funeral, watching home movies, and looking at photos of Porter.  It will be so different to see Nathan here without Porter by his side.  They really were always together.  I plan to give Nathan a big hug and then give him an extra BIG hug from Porter.   Porter looked up to Nathan and was inspired by his good example of serving a mission.  It just breaks my heart that Nathan won't be getting to hug Porter himself.

I love you Porter♥

Him/His

I want to eventually blog about something besides Porter but it seems that lately my whole world revolves around him. I still have my daily cry sessions.  Sometimes more than once a day.

I still go in his room and look at his clothes.  I smell his clothes, trying to find his familiar scent, yet it's just not there.  I lay on his bed and read.  I look in his drawers.  I play his guitar.  I read his facebook wall.  I listen to his cd's. I wear his socks, his sweatshirt. I imagine him sitting at the top of the stairs everyday watching me work in the kitchen.  Sometimes I talk to him, other times I just try to feel him.  I tell him goodnight when I turn off his light in the living room, the light that will always be on for him in the evenings, reminding him that we are always here, remembering him.  I look out the kitchen window, up at the beautiful Mount Timpanogos, while I stand at the sink, or sit on the front porch, and see that cliff off in the distance.  My eyes are always drawn to that exact spot where I know he fell from, where his accident occurred, where Mark found his lifeless little body.  The place where we wailed, mourned, ached and literally felt our hearts being torn right out of our chests up on that mountain, where we questioned Heavenly Father's plan for our son.  Why did He need him now more than we did?

I'm trying to heal but having never gone through anything like this in my life I just don't know the process.  There are so many emotions, highs and lows, to the extreme lows.  I'm trying to understand them and work through them.  I know it's different for every single person out there.  I know it takes time, and I'm in no hurry to rush it.  I received two very different books from two different friends.  I have loved both of these.  One is called "The Message" by Lance Richardson. It has provided a lot of comfort and insight as to where Porter is and what he may be doing on the other side of the veil.  I know there are plenty of books out there about people who have died and come back and shared their story. I always wondered how much is really true about their experiences in the after life, yet this book just 'felt' so right as I read it.  The other book is called "Tear Soup" by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Deklye.  This a very tender story about a woman and her husband who experience a great loss and how she faced her loss by setting out to make Tear Soup.  Two completely different books, yet both helping to heal the aching heart, my aching heart.  And of course, the scriptures have been a true source of comfort and peace.  I love gathering everyone together to read and just BE together.  I feel Porter close by when we are together as a family.     

I love you Porter♥

Still Missing This Boy-2 Months

Mom, Porter, Jordan at Thanksgiving Gardens 2009

Today as I was teaching piano in another room I glanced into the kitchen and saw my oldest son, Cooper, standing at the kitchen table.  I couldn't see his face.  He was dressed in a white t-shirt and jeans, Porter's favorite attire.  My heart skipped a beat and for a small moment in time I thought Porter was here with us.  Of course it wasn't real and I had to sit back a moment and take a conscious, full, slow, breath.  My heartache lingered for a few moments as I sat there wishing Porter was home again, this physical home, not his eternal home.  I love you Porter♥

Ask for the Future

Porter belonged to a local band named "Ask for the Future". They are playing a show on May 21st

in Salt Lake.  Mark and I will be attending. Sadly, this being our first show.

You see... I never attended any of the gigs Porter played in, maybe because I heard him practice here at home so much I practically knew all the songs by heart already and I loved them.  Why attend a show when I got a free one at home daily?

I will go and enjoy all the music I hear and it will be familiar to me.  I'm sure I will cry as I picture Porter up on stage with his band members.  Who knows....maybe Porter will attend with us too.

One Day Closer

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown

Jordan and Porter December 2008

Dreams

I finally had my first dream about Porter on Sunday evening since his passing.  Other family members have had their dreams and others are still waiting too.  So, I was very happy to finally see him in my dream.  He was wearing a maroon-striped polo shirt.  I couldn't see his face very clearly but it was him.  He put his hand gently on my shoulder and simply said "I'm okay mom".  Then it was over.  I woke up and just lay there crying and thinking about my son.

My older son Cooper, dreamed a couple weeks after Porter's death that he had asked him if he had felt any pain as he slipped and fell off that cliff?  Porter told him he didn't feel anything because he was actually watching himself fall.  He had already left his body.  Our family has felt a lot of comfort in that dream knowing he felt no pain.

My daughter dreamed that Porter came back to earth and was alive again.  She said he was upset and asked her "Why did you make me come back?  I was happy?"

Porter's cousin, Mercedes shared with us that on the night of the funeral she saw Porter dressed in white standing with 6 other figures dressed in white too.  She said Porter had on one of those grins she had heard so much about.  He was showing her the other people he was with.  She couldn't see their faces but she could see that Porter was happy.

Another cousin, Stacey's husband said while singing the closing hymn at Porter's funeral had a thought of Porter dressed in a white suit sitting in the temple and it made him cry.

I truly believe Porter is happy.  I only wish we could feel his same happiness.  I know there is a long healing process, and the holes in our hearts may never close up completely but we have peace and comfort in our Father's plan.

I love you Porter♥

Going Home

I'm on my way home to Utah.  I had a wonderful time in Boston with Kali, baby Miles, and Wade.  I'd like to say I had fun with Porter too, but of course he couldn't make this flight.  He's on his own flight somewhere better.  However, this trip was supposed to be with him and while here there were a few times I felt his presence.  He has seen Boston now.  So, back to my husband and family I go with LOVE in my heart for each one of them, and a special LOVE for Porter.  I miss you.

I love you Porter♥ 

The Dragonfly and Porter Flying Free

The night before Kali and I left for Boston, (the trip Porter was anticipating with much eagerness), the Farnworth family came over to visit. Heidi and Lindsay gave us a very sweet gift to remind us of Porter and to keep him close in our memory. They had made these beautiful dragonfly necklaces, one for me and one for Kali. The poem they shared with us is tender and when I read it I cried tears of sadness for my loss, yet felt joy, too, for Porter, knowing that he is flying happy and free now. Is it possible to feel both joy and sadness at the same time? My heart still aches and yearns for my boy to be here, but I know he is feeling so much peace and joy where he is and his life here has been fulfilled. 

 Thank you Heidi and Lindsay for this priceless gift!


The Dragonfly

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads,
there lived a little water beetle in a community of water
beetles.  They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond
with few disturbances and interruptions.

Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of
their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and
would never be seen again.  They knew when this happened; their
friend was dead, gone forever.

Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem.  However, he was determined that he would
not leave forever.  He would come back and tell his friends what
he had found at the top.

When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the
surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so
warm, that he decided he must take a nap.  As he slept, his body
changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful
blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body
designed for flying.

So, fly he did!  And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole
new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never
known existed.

Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking
by now he was dead.  He wanted to go back to tell them, and
explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been
before.  His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.

But, his new body could not go down into the water.  He could
not get back to tell his friends the good news.  Then he
understood that their time would come, when they, too, would
know what he now knew.  So, he raised his wings and flew off
into his joyous new life!
 

~Author Unknown~

I love you Porter♥

My New Blog Title

As the days go by and I often find myself  in quiet moments reflecting about Porter, I keep going back to what this life is really all about.  What is my purpose here personally?  What relationships have I formed?  What have I done for my fellowman?  What is most important in this life to accomplish while here with our mortal body?    I drive down the street and nothing seems to matter- the stores, the gas stations, the restaurants, running errands, cars, the everyday hum-drum, etc.  It's all just stuff.  My perspective has changed so much.  Life just feels so different now.

I appreciate and love my daughter so much.  She decided to help me with a little refreshing uplift of my blog.  I was chatting with her about the old title of my blog and how I felt like it should say "All Good Things Come...To An End".  She said it sounded depressing.  I was partly teasing with her of course but we tossed around the idea of a new title and have come up with the one you see in the heading, "You'll Always Have My Heart"  A friend gave me a beautiful statue titled Heart of Gold, when Porter passed away.  The caption on it reads "You'll Always Have My Heart" and instantly I cried.  I knew this was to be my new blog title.  Each one of my children hold a special place in my heart.

***ATTENTION!***

In the course of my daughter rearranging and playing with my blog background, she deleted all my friends! THE NERVE! (this is Kali) If you were lost along the way, please leave a comment with your blog so my dear, sweet momma can find you!***

The Difference of a Month

This picture was taken on February 5th

Porter passed away on March 5th

Today is April 5th

What a difference a month can make.  We would have never guessed.

We've checked high and low through the cell phone photos and cameras in our family to try and find the very last photos taken of Porter and these are the final two we came up with.  It was Cooper's birthday on February 5th and we were having a quiet evening at home with cake and visits from the grandparents.  As usual Porter provided smiles and laughter with his goofiness. Porter isn't a hugger, yet he quickly put his arm around Cooper and probably said something funny to make us all laugh for the photo.  I love that he had on his white t-shirt and jeans in these two final photos.  That was his favorite attire!  As soon as the candles were blown out and cake was eaten he was probably off to his room to grab his guitar to play us all the latest and greatest tune or rhythm he had written.

The house is much too quiet.  I want to hear the melodic sounds of his guitar ringing through the hallways.  I want to hear his silly kid voice that he did so often.  I want to hear him say "Jeez mom" an octave higher than his bass voice just one more time, because he knew that always made me laugh. (I always repeated back "Cheese Mom?")  I want to hear him recording music in the piano room, and see his microphone in his face and his earphones on his head.  I want to invite him in to me and daddy's room for prayer before bedtime just once more.  I want to see him so lovingly play with Pebbles our cat.  He adored her more than anyone else.       

Do I want too much?  I don't think so.

  

I love you Porter♥