Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Ask for the Future

Porter belonged to a local band named "Ask for the Future". They are playing a show on May 21st
in Salt Lake.  Mark and I will be attending. Sadly, this being our first show.

You see... I never attended any of the gigs Porter played in, maybe because I heard him practice here at home so much I practically knew all the songs by heart already and I loved them.  Why attend a show when I got a free one at home daily?

I will go and enjoy all the music I hear and it will be familiar to me.  I'm sure I will cry as I picture Porter up on stage with his band members.  Who knows....maybe Porter will attend with us too.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

One Day Closer

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown

Jordan and Porter December 2008

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I finally had my first dream about Porter on Sunday evening since his passing.  Other family members have had their dreams and others are still waiting too.  So, I was very happy to finally see him in my dream.  He was wearing a maroon-striped polo shirt.  I couldn't see his face very clearly but it was him.  He put his hand gently on my shoulder and simply said "I'm okay mom".  Then it was over.  I woke up and just lay there crying and thinking about my son.

My older son Cooper, dreamed a couple weeks after Porter's death that he had asked him if he had felt any pain as he slipped and fell off that cliff?  Porter told him he didn't feel anything because he was actually watching himself fall.  He had already left his body.  Our family has felt a lot of comfort in that dream knowing he felt no pain.

My daughter dreamed that Porter came back to earth and was alive again.  She said he was upset and asked her "Why did you make me come back?  I was happy?"

Porter's cousin, Mercedes shared with us that on the night of the funeral she saw Porter dressed in white standing with 6 other figures dressed in white too.  She said Porter had on one of those grins she had heard so much about.  He was showing her the other people he was with.  She couldn't see their faces but she could see that Porter was happy.

Another cousin, Stacey's husband said while singing the closing hymn at Porter's funeral had a thought of Porter dressed in a white suit sitting in the temple and it made him cry.

I truly believe Porter is happy.  I only wish we could feel his same happiness.  I know there is a long healing process, and the holes in our hearts may never close up completely but we have peace and comfort in our Father's plan.

I love you Porter♥

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Going Home

I'm on my way home to Utah.  I had a wonderful time in Boston with Kali, baby Miles, and Wade.  I'd like to say I had fun with Porter too, but of course he couldn't make this flight.  He's on his own flight somewhere better.  However, this trip was supposed to be with him and while here there were a few times I felt his presence.  He has seen Boston now.  So, back to my husband and family I go with LOVE in my heart for each one of them, and a special LOVE for Porter.  I miss you.

I love you Porter♥ 

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Dragonfly and Porter Flying Free

The night before Kali and I left for Boston, (the trip Porter was anticipating with much eagerness), the Farnworth family came over to visit. Heidi and Lindsay gave us a very sweet gift to remind us of Porter and to keep him close in our memory. They had made these beautiful dragonfly necklaces, one for me and one for Kali. The poem they shared with us is tender and when I read it I cried tears of sadness for my loss, yet felt joy, too, for Porter, knowing that he is flying happy and free now. Is it possible to feel both joy and sadness at the same time? My heart still aches and yearns for my boy to be here, but I know he is feeling so much peace and joy where he is and his life here has been fulfilled. 

 Thank you Heidi and Lindsay for this priceless gift!

The Dragonfly

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads,
there lived a little water beetle in a community of water
beetles.  They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond
with few disturbances and interruptions.

Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of
their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and
would never be seen again.  They knew when this happened; their
friend was dead, gone forever.

Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge
to climb up that stem.  However, he was determined that he would
not leave forever.  He would come back and tell his friends what
he had found at the top.

When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the
surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so
warm, that he decided he must take a nap.  As he slept, his body
changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful
blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body
designed for flying.

So, fly he did!  And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole
new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never
known existed.

Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking
by now he was dead.  He wanted to go back to tell them, and
explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been
before.  His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.

But, his new body could not go down into the water.  He could
not get back to tell his friends the good news.  Then he
understood that their time would come, when they, too, would

know what he now knew.  So, he raised his wings and flew off
into his joyous new life!
~Author Unknown~

I love you Porter♥

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

My New Blog Title

As the days go by and I often find myself  in quiet moments reflecting about Porter, I keep going back to what this life is really all about.  What is my purpose here personally?  What relationships have I formed?  What have I done for my fellowman?  What is most important in this life to accomplish while here with our mortal body?    I drive down the street and nothing seems to matter- the stores, the gas stations, the restaurants, running errands, cars, the everyday hum-drum, etc.  It's all just stuff.  My perspective has changed so much.  Life just feels so different now.

I appreciate and love my daughter so much.  She decided to help me with a little refreshing uplift of my blog.  I was chatting with her about the old title of my blog and how I felt like it should say "All Good Things Come...To An End".  She said it sounded depressing.  I was partly teasing with her of course but we tossed around the idea of a new title and have come up with the one you see in the heading, "You'll Always Have My Heart"  A friend gave me a beautiful statue titled Heart of Gold, when Porter passed away.  The caption on it reads "You'll Always Have My Heart" and instantly I cried.  I knew this was to be my new blog title.  Each one of my children hold a special place in my heart.

In the course of my daughter rearranging and playing with my blog background, she deleted all my friends! THE NERVE! (this is Kali) If you were lost along the way, please leave a comment with your blog so my dear, sweet momma can find you!***

Monday, April 5, 2010

The Difference of a Month

This picture was taken on February 5th
Porter passed away on March 5th
Today is April 5th
What a difference a month can make.  We would have never guessed.

We've checked high and low through the cell phone photos and cameras in our family to try and find the very last photos taken of Porter and these are the final two we came up with.  It was Cooper's birthday on February 5th and we were having a quiet evening at home with cake and visits from the grandparents.  As usual Porter provided smiles and laughter with his goofiness. Porter isn't a hugger, yet he quickly put his arm around Cooper and probably said something funny to make us all laugh for the photo.  I love that he had on his white t-shirt and jeans in these two final photos.  That was his favorite attire!  As soon as the candles were blown out and cake was eaten he was probably off to his room to grab his guitar to play us all the latest and greatest tune or rhythm he had written.

The house is much too quiet.  I want to hear the melodic sounds of his guitar ringing through the hallways.  I want to hear his silly kid voice that he did so often.  I want to hear him say "Jeez mom" an octave higher than his bass voice just one more time, because he knew that always made me laugh. (I always repeated back "Cheese Mom?")  I want to hear him recording music in the piano room, and see his microphone in his face and his earphones on his head.  I want to invite him in to me and daddy's room for prayer before bedtime just once more.  I want to see him so lovingly play with Pebbles our cat.  He adored her more than anyone else.       

Do I want too much?  I don't think so.

I love you Porter♥