Monday, March 5, 2012

2 Years

My Dearest Porter,

It's been 2 years today that you have been taken from us. 2 years since that nightmare on March 5th,2010 when you went on that hike to Dry Canyon and never returned home to us.  2 years ago today that you slipped on that ice and fell off that cliff and me and daddy went in search of you and daddy found your broken little body.  It's been 2 of your birthdays without you, 2 Christmases, 2 Easters, 2 Mother's Days, 2 Father's Days, basically 2 of every holiday we've had to endure without your joyful personality here celebrating with us. Sometimes it feels like only 2 days and sometimes it feels like 2 eternities.  But trust me Porter, you were here in my heart for every one of those moments.  You are always here in my heart.  I still think about you EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I still break down and cry occasionally.  I still go in your room and sit on your bed.  I still look in your closet at your precious belongings. I still watch your funeral video.  I still watch the funny videos you and Will Petersen made, they crack me up every time. I still listen to the music you created and I listen to it every time I ride in your car.  These past few weeks as I knew this day was coming you have been particularly much closer to my thoughts and heart and I have just felt your presence so near.  So many times I just feel like you are watching me and I have to just turn to see if you are really there.  There are times when I'm out running in the peaceful morning hours that I feel you just there beside me.  Of course you're not but it just feels like you really are.  I was reading through my journal a couple days ago and came across an entry from October 27th, 2011.  This is what I wrote:

I had a dream this morning about Porter and wanted to get it written down so I wouldn't forget.  I was at my old house and Brother Bartholomew and some youth whom I didn't know were at our house.(not sure why they were in this dream?)  I went downstairs and then turned down the hall to Kali's old room.  Porter hadn't heard me coming because he was in there vacuuming.  I startled him when he looked up at me.  I was so surprised and happy to see him and I just kept staring at his face and saying "Porter." I walked toward him and he backed up slowly saying "You can't touch me" and I told him "Yes I can!" Then when I got to him we embraced in a very firm hug.  I was so happy and kept saying to him "You're alive!" And then my emotions completely took over and I started crying. I ran down the hall to find Brother Bartholomew and to tell him what had just happened.  As I shared the whole experience with him he wept for joy as well at Porter's return. 

Then I woke up from this dream and continued crying wanting SO BADLY for this to be real and not just a dream.  Mark had just finished getting ready for the day and heard me crying and came over to comfort me.  I shared my dream with him.  He told me it was a good dream and it's good to know that Porter is still close by.
I think this is one of those tender mercies from the Lord to let me just feel my son's embrace for a brief, small moment, and letting me know he is still very much alive and that I can still feel him nearby.
 I attended the funeral of a very dear elderly gentlemen in our ward, Brother Alfred Young back on February 9th this year and one of the speakers said something that I haven't forgotten.  He said "We left eternity to come down here for time, and then we will be going back to eternity.  This little speck we call time is just a brief moment in our existence.  It's while we are here doing our time that is our real test."  I know you have passed your test Porter, and that you are now enjoying the eternity part of your existence again.  I know you are so happy, and that you are at complete peace.  I also think you are busy doing much good.  I love you so much Porter and I can't wait to wrap my arms around you and embrace you so tight again.  You are my special little 'Po-Po'.  
(Artwork by Elspeth Young)


LL said...

this made me CRY!
What a sweet connection you have with your son.
Sending love.

lesa said...

Beautiful post and thinking of you today.

Just SO said...

Much love coming your way on this difficult day. What a beautiful dream.

Heatherlyn said...

Beautiful blog post. Thank you for the reminder about how short this time is in relation to eternity. It really puts this life into perspective. I hope that you have a day that is good.♥

Jerilee E. said...

This was a beautiful post. Thinking of you today and your beautiful boy. So very grateful for eternity.

Pedaling said...

I haven't followed your blog enough to know more of this part of your life.

I don't cry often when reading a post--but this one I did feel and so the tears came.

The dream was a blessing- embrace it.

I heard once that those close to us who have passed often times visit us in our dreams. I believe that to be true.

A tender mercy indeed.

Alana said...

So grateful for those tender mercies. I have had a few dreams almost identical to yours about my sweet sister who also passed away in march. My thoughts are with you.

the weisenburger life said...

You are an inspiration and I do not doubt for a moment that Porter watches over you often. We are so blessed that he is allowed to comfort us and influence on the other side of the veil.

Doran & Jody said...

Wonderful post!

wendy said...

I have many tears dropping onto my keyboard as I read this. I FELT every emotion.
so beautifully written and full of so much love for your son.
The emptiness they leave sometimes (for me) is choking. Can't breath.

I am glad you feel him close to you at different times. That would be a comfort for sure.
Tragic accident and loss my friend.
BUT...we HAVE ETERNITY and that is the only thing that allows us to go on I think

Arica said...

We were both in the contest to try and win the AF Canyon entry...I am pretty close to you and we run about the same pace from what I can tell. So if you ever want someone to run with...I sometimes run with a friend but we are always up for to have people join us. We run anywhere from Salem to Lehi.

Erica Gorman said...

What a beautiful post and what courage to share your story. God Bless.

LyndiLou said...

I just love you. Sending lots of love and respect your way. *hugs*

Cynthia said...

Such a beautiful post! I think of you all often and wonder how you are coping. Ups and downs, highs and lows and it will probably always be that way to some extent. May the Lord continue to bless your family and give you the strength you need to endure this brief time apart.