Him/His

I want to eventually blog about something besides Porter but it seems that lately my whole world revolves around him. I still have my daily cry sessions.  Sometimes more than once a day.

I still go in his room and look at his clothes.  I smell his clothes, trying to find his familiar scent, yet it's just not there.  I lay on his bed and read.  I look in his drawers.  I play his guitar.  I read his facebook wall.  I listen to his cd's. I wear his socks, his sweatshirt. I imagine him sitting at the top of the stairs everyday watching me work in the kitchen.  Sometimes I talk to him, other times I just try to feel him.  I tell him goodnight when I turn off his light in the living room, the light that will always be on for him in the evenings, reminding him that we are always here, remembering him.  I look out the kitchen window, up at the beautiful Mount Timpanogos, while I stand at the sink, or sit on the front porch, and see that cliff off in the distance.  My eyes are always drawn to that exact spot where I know he fell from, where his accident occurred, where Mark found his lifeless little body.  The place where we wailed, mourned, ached and literally felt our hearts being torn right out of our chests up on that mountain, where we questioned Heavenly Father's plan for our son.  Why did He need him now more than we did?

I'm trying to heal but having never gone through anything like this in my life I just don't know the process.  There are so many emotions, highs and lows, to the extreme lows.  I'm trying to understand them and work through them.  I know it's different for every single person out there.  I know it takes time, and I'm in no hurry to rush it.  I received two very different books from two different friends.  I have loved both of these.  One is called "The Message" by Lance Richardson. It has provided a lot of comfort and insight as to where Porter is and what he may be doing on the other side of the veil.  I know there are plenty of books out there about people who have died and come back and shared their story. I always wondered how much is really true about their experiences in the after life, yet this book just 'felt' so right as I read it.  The other book is called "Tear Soup" by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Deklye.  This a very tender story about a woman and her husband who experience a great loss and how she faced her loss by setting out to make Tear Soup.  Two completely different books, yet both helping to heal the aching heart, my aching heart.  And of course, the scriptures have been a true source of comfort and peace.  I love gathering everyone together to read and just BE together.  I feel Porter close by when we are together as a family.     

I love you Porter♥