Saturday, May 15, 2010

Him/His

I want to eventually blog about something besides Porter but it seems that lately my whole world revolves around him. I still have my daily cry sessions.  Sometimes more than once a day.
I still go in his room and look at his clothes.  I smell his clothes, trying to find his familiar scent, yet it's just not there.  I lay on his bed and read.  I look in his drawers.  I play his guitar.  I read his facebook wall.  I listen to his cd's. I wear his socks, his sweatshirt. I imagine him sitting at the top of the stairs everyday watching me work in the kitchen.  Sometimes I talk to him, other times I just try to feel him.  I tell him goodnight when I turn off his light in the living room, the light that will always be on for him in the evenings, reminding him that we are always here, remembering him.  I look out the kitchen window, up at the beautiful Mount Timpanogos, while I stand at the sink, or sit on the front porch, and see that cliff off in the distance.  My eyes are always drawn to that exact spot where I know he fell from, where his accident occurred, where Mark found his lifeless little body.  The place where we wailed, mourned, ached and literally felt our hearts being torn right out of our chests up on that mountain, where we questioned Heavenly Father's plan for our son.  Why did He need him now more than we did?
I'm trying to heal but having never gone through anything like this in my life I just don't know the process.  There are so many emotions, highs and lows, to the extreme lows.  I'm trying to understand them and work through them.  I know it's different for every single person out there.  I know it takes time, and I'm in no hurry to rush it.  I received two very different books from two different friends.  I have loved both of these.  One is called "The Message" by Lance Richardson. It has provided a lot of comfort and insight as to where Porter is and what he may be doing on the other side of the veil.  I know there are plenty of books out there about people who have died and come back and shared their story. I always wondered how much is really true about their experiences in the after life, yet this book just 'felt' so right as I read it.  The other book is called "Tear Soup" by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Deklye.  This a very tender story about a woman and her husband who experience a great loss and how she faced her loss by setting out to make Tear Soup.  Two completely different books, yet both helping to heal the aching heart, my aching heart.  And of course, the scriptures have been a true source of comfort and peace.  I love gathering everyone together to read and just BE together.  I feel Porter close by when we are together as a family.     

I love you Porter♥

14 comments:

KC Mom said...

I can't even imagine. I'm just so sorry. I bet you're wondering why it feels worse and worse instead of better. I know I would be too. I know he is probably missing you too.

Jackie said...

I don't think you write about it too much at all. I hope it helps. You are so lovely.

Heatherlyn said...

I can't imagine either. I just read your post and I cry. It's such a hard thing. I think you are dealing very well. Crying can be very healthy. Reading your posts helps me to remember how precious each day is with our children and that I shouldn't take any day with any of them for granted. Ever. I think time brings a lot of peace and happiness and perspective but that TAKES time.

Frosty said...

Sue - I won't pretend to know what you're going through, but I continue to pray your experience helps others...as you are an inspiration to others even as you learn to live life again.

Hugs,
Jackie

Sarah Bear said...

i love your blog! and i hope you never ever stop posting about porter. it helps me so much! we all miss him more and more everyday. me and my mom will be sure to find you at the show friday:) i can't wait:)

Shauna said...

Oh sweet Susette,

What a beautiful post! I pray you find comfort and know that you are loved very much! Writing is for sure healing. I love your posts and you and your family. Big Hugs and prayers are with you all!

The Silvas said...

I was going to mention Tear Soup to you, somebody told me about it. I'm glad that you got a chance to read it!

Jacki said...

I think that writing is a way to heal. don't feel like you ever have to stop.

the weisenburger life said...

I love your blogs about Porter! He was, and still is, wonderful and great. You are always in our thoughts and prayers. I worried about you on Mother's Day and hoped that you felt him near.

Lara said...

Keep posting about Porter. It's important. Especially if it brings you closer to him.

You painted such a vivid picture of your feelings right now. Sending you lots of hugs.

Grandma Cebe said...

Susette, You don't know me. But we are connected through Mark and his oldest brother. I was Kent's first wife, many years ago, and the mother of Rob (Bear) Fisher, Porter's cousin. I think that I stumbled on your blog through a Mormon Mother blog quite awhile ago. I've been lurking ever since. I was shocked when I came to your blog last month and read about the tragic death of Porter. I can't begin to imagine the grief that you and your family are going through. You aren't writing too much about him and what you are feeling. I love reading and learning about your precious son. Grieving is a long process. Writing your thoughts and feelings, whether privately or on a blog, is healthy, IMO. May our Heavenly Father bless you and your family with peace of mind and shower his tender mercies on your family.

Connie Buie

The Kooky Queen--Rachel said...

Don't feel like you have to stop pouring your heart out about him, it's such a therapeutic thing to empty out your emotions in writing, especially to people who can help give you comfort. Your posts---I just ache for you! Thank you for crying on our shoulders! Hugs!

Julie said...

I just want you to know how much you are admired and loved. We all grieve in our own way and I'm sure writing about Porter is very therapeutic. Isn't it interesting the perspective we gain on what is truly essential and important in life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings-you are an inspiration. Blogging about anything else kind of seems trivial, doesn't it? Love you, Julie

Audrey said...

Susette,
I think you are doing great! I remember feeling exactly the way that you describe. We kept BJ's room the very same for a long time, for that very reason. I still have his favorite blanket that I refuse to wash because his scent is tied to it. When we finally decided to use his room for something else, I turned it into my own private scrapping room so that I could sit in there and just remember him along with all of my other memories. I was fanatic about memories for a long time after BJ died - I took pictures of everything in sight and scrapped them.
TearSoup is one of my favorite books. I find myself pulling it out and reading it every now and then. It still helps me, even six years later.
You are doing GREAT! I promise (because I KNOW) that there will come a time in the future when you will be able to write about and think about other things. But right now, you have to do what feels right for you.
I miss my son so very much, but I feel that the Lord has blessed me in so many ways. I'm sorry that my son is no longer living with me, but the gifts I have received and the strength of my testimony have "almost" made up for it. And the thing that really keeps me going is that if my son can't be living with me during this temporary time - at least he is living in the most wonderful, beautiful place ever. And he is surrounded by wonderful people (including our Brother) who love him just as much as I do!
Hang in there!