Monday, April 5, 2010

The Difference of a Month

This picture was taken on February 5th
Porter passed away on March 5th
Today is April 5th
What a difference a month can make.  We would have never guessed.

We've checked high and low through the cell phone photos and cameras in our family to try and find the very last photos taken of Porter and these are the final two we came up with.  It was Cooper's birthday on February 5th and we were having a quiet evening at home with cake and visits from the grandparents.  As usual Porter provided smiles and laughter with his goofiness. Porter isn't a hugger, yet he quickly put his arm around Cooper and probably said something funny to make us all laugh for the photo.  I love that he had on his white t-shirt and jeans in these two final photos.  That was his favorite attire!  As soon as the candles were blown out and cake was eaten he was probably off to his room to grab his guitar to play us all the latest and greatest tune or rhythm he had written.

The house is much too quiet.  I want to hear the melodic sounds of his guitar ringing through the hallways.  I want to hear his silly kid voice that he did so often.  I want to hear him say "Jeez mom" an octave higher than his bass voice just one more time, because he knew that always made me laugh. (I always repeated back "Cheese Mom?")  I want to hear him recording music in the piano room, and see his microphone in his face and his earphones on his head.  I want to invite him in to me and daddy's room for prayer before bedtime just once more.  I want to see him so lovingly play with Pebbles our cat.  He adored her more than anyone else.       

Do I want too much?  I don't think so.

I love you Porter♥


Jackie said...

Thinking of you. Praying for you. Love you.

mother goose said...

love you susette! I love your memories and NOooo, you are not asking too much!

Devri said...

Oh Susette, I am so truly sorry for your loss of your son. I can't get my mind to think right now, I just read your daughters blog and can't stop crying. Here I was feeling sorry for myself, losing my thougths and stopped going to all the people I truly fell in love with blogs. please forgive me, I am truly sorry for not knowing. I cry because I couldn't even imagine going what you have to go through, my best friend lost her son too, and I see her so sad, trying so hard to be happy. Susette, your memories are wonderful, keep them coming, never forget. And I am with mother goose.. you are not asking too much. May the Lord give you peace and comfort to your family at such a hard time in your lives. ofa lahi atu

Cynthia said...

I think of you guys and pray for you daily. My Aunt suffered a similar loss. My cousin, David, was killed in a hiking accident down around Grand Junction, CO (where they live) when he was 16. His twin brother Daniel was there but uninjured. It's been so weird to have one twin and lose the other. It's been well over a decade since we lost David but I know my Aunt will miss him until the day she dies.

I know you will miss and treasure Porter that way too. If you think it would be helpful for you, I could get you two in touch via Facebook. She's traveled this road too and is further down the path. Sadly, she doesn't have the advantage of a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ which makes it harder too.

I don't think you are asking too much. Post about him all you want and NEED to do it. We'll listen. And smile. And miss him for you and with you.

Loralee and the gang... said...

No, you're not asking too much.
Awesome photos. What treasures. Family is a treasure, and given to us are eternal families. We will miss our loved ones now as we live this mortal life, but the joy is knowing that we will see them and be with them forever, in the most perfect place...hold on to your memories, you faith, and the rest of your family. You need each other for strength - be there in the present and don't hide away in your sorrow. Share your feelings with each other - it sounds like that is the kind of family you naturally are. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Love you.

LL said...

I love you my friend. I thought of you and your family so much during conference this weekend.
I hope you were able to feel peace and the comfort of each of us praying for you.
Of course your not asking too much! You are an amazing mother. Such sweet memories, such a beautiful family!!!

Lara said...

I, too, have been thinking of you a lot this last week and am keeping you in my prayers.

I don't think you are asking too much at's all any parent wants. Nobody should have to suffer this kind of loss. I am so sorry. (hugs)

Kate said...

I have been praying for you and thinking about you. I can't imagine the loss and the hole you feel in your heart. I love the look of your blog and the new name. THought of you during conference this weekend. There were so many words that seemed to be there to help you and your family. Thinking of you...

Roxy and Tommy said...

I really miss you guys...I will never forget that Thanksgiving when I came to your house :-)

I am so sorry about Porter. I hope you can heal in good time. Your family has all the love from mine.


Cherie said...

Tears....You are definately not asking too much. Another moment with your sweet boy.
I was thinking of your family during Conference. Especially during President Monson's talk on Sunday morning. I hope it gave you comfort.
You have so many wonderful memories and that is a great blessing.

tammy said...

I was thinking of you during conference too.

My heart just breaks for you reading this.

Heatherlyn said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel. All of your feelings are perfectly OK right now. From what I do understand it is not the type of thing a person gets over, mainly just learns to live with and feel happiness again but always missing the person still too. I pray that you can feel the comfort and peace you deserve. But there is no way around that it is a sad thing. You have my deepest sympathy for your loss.

Rachel said...

I've learned quickly that pictures are so much valuable then I ever thought they were. I am so glad you found these pictures, he looks really happy and that is what is important, because you will have these pictures forever.

I now make sure to take more pictures of the people I love, and more frequently too. You just never know.

My thoughts are still with you.

Jillian said...

Sure do love you guys! You're in my prayers.

Doran & Jody said...

Ah...I love you sister!
And I love and miss Porter. He was the best one of all the "young ones" to text me back. What a goof! I'm sure he and my dad are getting along well making each other laugh. I miss making my dad laugh so I am sure Porter can fill in for me.


Frosty said...

I thought of you yesterday, heck, I've thought of you every single day since I found out about Porter.

Wish I could be there to hug you.

Heart ya,

LyndiLou said...

You sweet thing... of course that's not too much to ask. You'll get it all back, I know you will. Be brave... and know that we love you! *hugs*

Erin said...

I know how important those last photos are. I'm so glad you have them to treasure. Thinking of you!

Jacki said...

no you are not asking for too much. keep the photos and memories coming for as long as you need, we want to share the memories with you.
cooper came to dinner at my parents house on Easter Sunday. what great kids you have raised susette and you all are so so strong! my thoughts are still with you all and may you still find comfort.

Just ME the MOM said...

I love it when you share these special moments and interesting comments about Cooper. It helps us know him better! I love the new blog look and title - I noticed it right away and think it is a wonderful change!

Love and hugs!


Anonymous said...

Just a note that your sweet Porter is buried right next to our sweet
His Aunt Melissa and Porter were friends from OJH days...How lives intertwine!! Boston was almost 1 when he passed away. Porter's funeral was the first we'd gone to since our sweet Bosty.
We understand and feel your sorrow. We also understand and feel the guilt because of that sorrow. Keep pressing on....on foot in front of the other...jsut like the pioneers did on the plains. Our fav phrase is "forever...its a promise" and it is. One of the songs on Bosty's blog is someday..sung to the tune of a lullaby it tells of our feelings....we love you! See you where the angels are....and where heaven and earth stand still.

Launi said...'s not too much. We are promised "...ALL that the Father has." And you can't do better than ALL.

I hope I can stand far, far off in a corner somewhere and watch when Porter comes back and puts his arms around you again. What a moment that will be my friend.

We love you.