Saturday, March 27, 2010

I Love My Porter

This photo was taken in December 2009 and was the last family photo taken with our sweet Porter.
(minus Kali and Wade and baby in Boston)

 Cooper, Mom, Dad, Jordan, Porter

My daughter tells me she misses my blogging.  It's a difficult thing for me to do with a sad heart.  Kali has an eloquent way with words that seem to touch to the very core of my feelings and so I have been content just reading all of her "Dear Porter" letters on her blog.

My heart still needs a lot of healing and lately watching old home movies of Porter and looking at photos of him fills my saddened soul.  I wonder how long this ache and pain will be here? 


People ask me how I'm doing and all I can say for now is "I'm doing fine."  I wonder when I will be able to say "good" or "great"?  Will that ever happen?  Will my heart ever completely heal from the loss of our little Porter?


I found this quote on a friends blog, and thought it was so perfect! (Thanks Terresa)

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." --Kahlil Gibran 

Porter has truly been our delight.  Even more so in the last couple years.  He had developed this sense of humor that just made us all laugh no matter what.  You couldn't be in the same room and not end up laughing at something he had said or done.  One day we will laugh with him again.  I look forward to that day.

I love you Porter♥

Hurrah for Kali, she told me she had a complete family photo from Miles' baby blessing in January.  So here we all are together.  I'm so glad she surprised us and came to Utah only two months ago to let us be a part of this special occasion and so Porter could meet his brand new nephew.  
Porter, Jordan, Kali, Miles, Wade, Susette, Mark, Cooper

17 comments:

Jaime Haney aka ArtsyFartsy.Me said...

I'm so sorry for your loss of sweet Porter. His wings were found too young. As a mother, I also feel losing a child is not right, not natural... my heart aches with you. What sweet words Kali has in her letters...

thinking of you...
your new blogging friend ~Jaime

LL said...

I love you my friend!
I'm so sorry you have this to carry. You have raised SUCH amazing children. That last picture is beautiful. Your boys all in their white shirts and tie. You are such an example to me.
XOXOXO

Jillene said...

I can't even begin to imagine the heartache you are feeling but I do remember you in my prayers and hope that the Spirit will comfort you in this time of need. ♥♥

Loralee and the gang... said...

My heart aches for you and your family. And I am so thankful for the plan of salvation, and am so greatful you also have knowledge and faith of it as well. I think of my own kids and how devestating it would be to lose any one of them. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I hope that one day we can meet, but until then, I hope that you can feel my arms and the arms of all your blogging friends circled around you. I love you, my friend!

Erin said...

That quote is amazing, isn't it? I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm so glad you have the home movies to watch and reminisce over. I'm thinking of you...

Cherie said...

I want to leave a comment because my heart feel so full reading this but words leave me when I think of the loss you have suffered. I don't know what to say except I hope the ache is replaced with peace soon, and thank goodness for The Plan of Salvation.
If I could give you a hug I would {{{Hug}}}.
Your sweet family is beautiful.

mother goose said...

I dont have the answers to your questions. But, I like that you are blogging and blogging your feelings. I have just read Kali's letters to Porter and they are amazing. I hope she prints them or makes a blog book, of only those entries. She will cherish them forever! I guess, I like how she shares her feelings so eloquently and gives her concerns but also has humor too. What a wonderful mother you are to have such amazing children. You are in my prayers continually.

Cynthia said...

I just want you to know that I think about you and your family nearly daily. I cannot even begin to imagine where a Mom would start to pick up the pieces. I'm so sorry you all have to endure this time and space without him. It seems like it 's just too much. I am so thankful that all things are finite and that you'll all be together again- it's the here and now that are hard. We care!

Doran & Jody said...

I miss your blogging too.
I am so glad that you have these pictures. I can't imagine what you are going through. I wish I could lighten the hurt for you.
Know that you are still in many prayers offered by our family and others.
Love your guts!

Audrey said...

There will always be a hole in your heart, but I promise one day you will be able to say that you are "good". It may take awhile, but it will come. I truly ache for your loss, and pray for you often. I love that you are watching home movies! How fortunate you are to have them! Some of my healing came from scrapbooking - I became an addict and scrapped 15 hours a day because I didn't want to forget anything.
It is okay to feel sad and miss Porter, and it is also okay to have times when you feel good. Cherish your memories and remember all of the good times with your family.
Thinking of you,
Audrey

Lara said...

Oh Susette! I only now saw the news since I was out of town when you blogged about it before. I am so, so sorry. I clicked over to Kali's blog and you're right, her words are amazing. I am in tears for you and I will certainly keep you and your family in my prayers. And for now, a cyber hug, even though I wish I could give you a real one.

Just ME the MOM said...

What a beautiful family, thank goodness for this beautiful photo. Porter will likely be a loss you'll grieve for some time. It's okay . . . grieve . . . we'll all still be right here. Keep blogging about him, let us know all about him . . .

((hugs))

Kristin

Just ME the MOM said...

Oh, and by the way . . . if you haven't read Pics & Kicks (Natalie Norton) maybe you would like her blog. http://www.natalienortonphoto.com/

Kristin

Kate said...

What can I say??? I know there is nothing I can say to ease your burden and pain. I wish that I could. I do too miss your blogging and our friendship through it. I love the picture. You will cherish it always. You have been in my thoughts and prayers so much lately, just wish there was more I could do. You are such an inspiration to me in everything that you are and do.

Lyndi said...

I'm worried that I've said it too many times to sound sincere... but pretty please know how much we love you and are STILL thinking about you guys. You're in our thoughts and prayers and always will be. I admire your strength and courage and know Heavenly Father will help you fill that hole in your heart. *hugs*

The Kooky Queen--Rachel said...

Oh Susette, you too have a very eloquent way with words! I'm so sorry for your loss and having watched family members lose children, I see their ache never goes away completely but as time goes on, their burden is eased. You will always ache for him and that is a good thing. I think we're meant to ache for the loss of our loved ones because we love them so. The comfort we have knowing we'll see them again is what keeps us going. You're so strong!!! Hugs!

UtahJenny said...

You have a beautiful way with words, too. The quote you shared is so perfect, so expressive. My heart aches for you, I might not know you very well, but you are my sister in the grand scheme of things. I keep you and your family in my prayers. Bless you all.